Men Swords and Balls - Rainer Daehnhardt

[Hethwill, the Red Duke]

For those that do not know the name he is one of the most enthusiastic historians to ever write about the arms and feats of the Portuguese. And he is not even a native from Portugal.

 

His interest is not the big schemes, usually, but the man down in the dirt. No wonder given this author lifetime has been dedicated to relics and arms collection and especially the history behind and all the whys and hows and when, and on top of that the folklore historical facts behind the pieces.

 

One of the most entertaining books I read from him - actually that's when I found out about the author and came to bump on his antique dealer store, but that's another thing entirely - is the "Homens Espadas e Tomates" freely translated as "Men Swords and Balls".

 

 

The author has an extensive bibliography under his pen so it is worth a look and trips to some old book dealer to see if you can find them. I highly recommend that you get the mentioned one.

 

Note: I have no idea if the book was ever translated to any foreign language but if you know portuguese you can have a read at scribd site - http://www.scribd.com/doc/173892299/Livro-Homens-Espadas-e-Tomates - although I vividly recommend you to buy it, along with some others from the same author. It is worth every coin.

 

 

One of the most interesting stories, down to the man with balls grabbing the sword, that the author presents us is titled, in a free translation form, "A curious exchange of insults", and you will soon find out why. Pure comedy.

 

If you have any grasp of our Portugal maritime history you will know that we seldom interfere with the natural course of things... unless we are threatened. Fair enough the enterprises in India mainly in Diu were getting under the influence of a certain Sultan Bahadur Shá, a classic ottoman expansionist towards the far east. You will see a lot of our conflicts were between the Arabian Peninsula and India, where all these Sultans tried and tried and tried to overcome such uncommon valour, shameless countrymen promotion but history is history.

 

So in 1537 a bunch of sailors have incurred in the most severe crime that, at that time, was classified as a "serious diplomatic mishap". Take your notes on whatever that means. It goes like...

 

In the bay front of Diu a diplomatic meeting was arranged. Two ships, one ours and the other from the Sultan Bahadur Shá. The exchange of gallantries apparently didn't go as planned ( I can guess the Sultan was a bully ) and his highness and his followers turned back to our diplomats and pretended to return to their ship. Well, it happens that some sailors did not really enjoyed the tone in what the Sultan and his cronies delivered their farewell and tried to difficult their access to their own ship which came to the, very fortunate, incident of the Sultan being hit by a paddle across his head.

 

He fell off boat and drowned.

 

We have no idea if the sailors laughed or what but the story was known across all the empire from Egypt to Constantinople, such was the gravity of the incident - actually a diplomat and leader was dead during the talks... no wonder everyone went nuts about it - so the first widow of the Sultan was not amused and immediately ordered a punitive expedition spending all the treasury of the deceased husband.

 

The garrison at Diu has 600 names in the rollcall being commanded by António da Silveira. The turks brought 70 war galleys and 23 thousand land troops with the intent of razing Diu. Shit just got real.

 

Suleyman Pasha was not unknown and the Portuguese actually abhorred the individual. Totally. The eunuch simply took power through treachery which left entire families, including his own, with slit throats everywhere. Some portuguese, most probably sailors, were already taken prisoners by Suleyman army and a letter was sent to the commander at Diu.

 

António da Silveira is remembered as having said, opening the letter - "Let us read what the dickless dog wants." - and proceeded to read the letter in public for all to hear. Ah, democracy rules and the public has the right to know !!!! 

 

It was promised free passage to ALL that leave the fortress and passed onto the coast of Malabar BUT everyone found inside Diu would be skinned alive and to add more bragging rights to his letter he informed that he had sent the biggest army assembled in Cambay and even having soldier from far lands such as Belgrad, Rhodes and Hungary.

 

The Diu commander was more intrigued than fearful about how he would defend such "a pen with so little cattle" - free form translation.

 

So, as any other warrior would do he grabbed his pen and ink...

 

"Oh honored captain Pashá...I read and gave much thought to the message you have sent.

Now, if the knights we have here in the fortress have been in Rhodes rest certain you would never have taken it.

Let it be known to you and yours that we have here many portuguese quite handy at slaying turks and being led by a captain, António da Silveira, which carries a pair harder than the boulders of your cannons and also know that all in here ( Diu fortress ) have them aswell and we fear not those who have them not!"

 

A lot of prisoners were executed on the spot by the eunuch emperor, as told by Gaspar Correia ( Chronicler of the time ).

 

The siege lasted more than a month. The defenders got reduced to 4 dozens but the turks were so depleted by fighting and plague than simply retreated.

 

The book has a lot more, all about our sense of duty, glorious stupidity in face of odds and overall the "discretion is the best part of valour" thing.

 

The author was born in 1941 in Germany and is still alive today. The antique store is still running today at Cascais, if you have the cash to spend there. If not it matters not, the simple history talk with the team is enough for a great afternoon.